The other day I was scrolling through my Face Book feed and I saw a meme of a woman holding a Gucci purse and an iPhone. In the picture, the woman was looking into her purse searching for something. The caption read, "I just hate when I can't find my Food Stamps." I read it, then kept scrolling through my feed without giving it a thought. Then later, for some reason, it popped up in my head and I started thinking about it. I understand what it is saying. Sure, there are tons of people who abuse the system. But then, there are the people who really need and rely on Food Stamps to feed their family.
I started thinking about who this woman was. I know she is fictional, but I just let my mind wander into different scenarios that could have taken place.
What if she just signed a two year contract on her iPhone when her husband suddenly had a heart attack and wasn't able to go back to work. She can't afford to keep it, but she can't afford the termination fee, either.
What if the woman in the meme was sexually abused and suddenly had a mental breakdown and now can't work, but still somehow has to feed her six kids.
What if the lady in the picture has had her Gucci purse for ten years in a closet and only brought it out because she wanted to feel special.
What if the Gucci purse isn't even real and she got from a guy on the street who sold it to her for $3.
What if the iPhone is a hand-me-down from Uncle Bob, and it's disconnected so she can only use it with Wifi.
What if her husband had suddenly passed away, leaving her with three kids and a dog, and a huge house note that suddenly seems impossible to pay, but no life insurance.
What if her husband harmed himself serving our country overseas and the government refused to pay for his treatment. What if she works full time, but because he is disabled and can't work, now they can't even pay their house note and their electric bill on one income.
What if she and her husband both work full time, but still can't afford rent anywhere in the city in which they life. They have two kids who they hardly see because they are working so much, but they still are just scraping by.
What if she had seven kids at home and her hard working husband suddenly lost his job because of layoffs. He has been searching for jobs for months, but can't find anything.
What if no matter how hard she tries, she just can't find a job.
What if she is a married student and her life was perfect, but then her husband left her for what seems like no reason. She is so devastated that she fails her classes and can barely get out of bed, much less get a job.
What if she was too proud to go apply for help, and held onto the hope that her husband would be able to go back to work for too long and finally after seeing her kids go hungry, humbled herself and filled out the application, even though she used to be the kind of person to make fun of people who used food stamps.
What if she stays up all night crying because of her situation.
What if that woman is you? What if your perfect life suddenly fell apart and you only had $30 a week after rent and bills on which you had to feed your 2. 5 kids, your husband, and yourself, and somehow put gas in the tank so you and your husband can make it to work.
Things happen in life that we can't control. Not everyone who uses Food Stamps abuses the system. Sometimes they actually need them. I know, I am one of them. Some of these scenarios I have been through, some of them are variations of situations that I have seen people close to me go through. I thought I was immune to hard times, until I went through them. I never thought I would be someone who uses Food Stamps, I thought I was above it. I thought I could work hard and life would always be good... until it wasn't and it was spinning out of control. My life has been hard, and it still is, but I am glad I have gone through what I have because it has made me a stronger person. It has brought me closer to God, and that is something I wouldn't trade for any amount of money in the world.
Praise God for every blessing in your life. Pray for the woman ahead of you in line at the grocery store who has a Food Stamp card. Smile at her instead of getting impatient and stamping your foot. Your prayers and your sweet smile could make a difference in her stressful day.
Saturday, August 23, 2014
Friday, July 4, 2014
Walking on Water
This morning I read the passage in Matthew 14 where Peter walks on water. With everything that is going on in my life right now I can really relate to Peter in this passage. I have really been seeking God to heal my husband, and in a recent post I revealed my discouragement about the matter, relating my doubt to Thomas when he doubted whether Jesus had returned. This realization made me get to the heart of the matter. I have a lot of fear and trust issues. I have a hard time just trusting God that He has everything under control. I am afraid that if I am not in control of my life everything is just going to fall apart. I have a hard time giving things over to Him. When I pray, it is more like me giving orders instead of asking God what He wants to do in my life.
I need to have the courage of Peter and step out of the boat.
My pastor, Erik Hill, has said a couple times in different sermons that so many people focus on the fact that Peter fell into the water because he didn't have the courage to stand, but they are missing the fact that Peter was the only disciple brave enough to even step out of the boat. Many people overlook the fact that there were 11 more men who were sitting tightly in their seat and were scared when they saw Jesus walking on water. They actually thought Jesus was a ghost and were frightened. Peter stepped out of the boat. And walked!!
Peter called out to Jesus. It was Peter who initiated this walking on water encounter, not Jesus. Peter asked Jesus to call him, and Jesus gladly responded. Just like Thomas asked to see the scars on Jesus' hands and feet. It is up to us to ask Jesus to see Him move. Then we must walk. We walk and keep our eyes on Him. Peter was not standing on a solid foundation. He was standing on water. His faith was not in the water, it was in Jesus. For a few minutes it was Jesus holding him up, not the water. There is absolutely nothing in water that can hold up a human. I don't know how He did it, but Jesus walked on water and allowed Peter to do it, too. I can understand Jesus walking on water. As it says in John, Jesus was with God when the world was created. Jesus made that water at the beginning of time, and if He wanted it to hold Him up, He could do it. But then, Peter did it. That baffles me. It would be just like you or me walking on water. Jesus wants us to walk on water. I my never actually place my foot out of a boat and literally walk on water, but in this passage I learn that Jesus' abilities were not just for Him alone. He came to share what He had, and if I call out to Him, He will respond. In my circumstance, if I ask Him for something, He will answer me and call me out to come to Him. It is up to me to get out of the boat.
Peter sank. I know, it didn't last long for Peter. If I had a storm raging around me with huge waves, I would probably sink too! Peter could have trusted Jesus and walked all the way to meet him where He was, but it was a stinkin' scary storm! When Peter fell, he called out to Jesus and He was right there to pick him up out of the water. Life is hard! Right now I feel like I am sinking with huge waves all around me. Just when I feel one part of my life is under control, something else goes haywire. I kind of feel like the guy at the circus who balances all the spinning plates on poles. Just when one plate is spinning nicely, another one starts to waver and he has to go run to it to make sure it doesn't come crashing down. It can be a little overwhelming at times. Sometimes my attitude is not a perfect picture of love, joy, and peace, to say the least. Right now in the midst of my storm, I am calling out to Jesus to save me from the waves. This story is so encouraging to me at this moment in my life, because it tells me that Jesus is right there to pick me up. He is here holding out his hand to me to lift me up to him. He didn't make Peter swim back to the boat to teach him a lesson in humility, Jesus lifted Peter back up to walk back to the boat together. That gives me so much hope. Jesus won't leave me alone in the water to fend for myself. He will lift me up and help me back into the safety of the boat. This is not a story of Peter's shortcoming, but a story of Jesus' goodness and faithfulness. If you feel like you are sinking and the waves are all around you, lift up your arms to Jesus and He is right there for you, always.
I need to have the courage of Peter and step out of the boat.
My pastor, Erik Hill, has said a couple times in different sermons that so many people focus on the fact that Peter fell into the water because he didn't have the courage to stand, but they are missing the fact that Peter was the only disciple brave enough to even step out of the boat. Many people overlook the fact that there were 11 more men who were sitting tightly in their seat and were scared when they saw Jesus walking on water. They actually thought Jesus was a ghost and were frightened. Peter stepped out of the boat. And walked!!
Peter called out to Jesus. It was Peter who initiated this walking on water encounter, not Jesus. Peter asked Jesus to call him, and Jesus gladly responded. Just like Thomas asked to see the scars on Jesus' hands and feet. It is up to us to ask Jesus to see Him move. Then we must walk. We walk and keep our eyes on Him. Peter was not standing on a solid foundation. He was standing on water. His faith was not in the water, it was in Jesus. For a few minutes it was Jesus holding him up, not the water. There is absolutely nothing in water that can hold up a human. I don't know how He did it, but Jesus walked on water and allowed Peter to do it, too. I can understand Jesus walking on water. As it says in John, Jesus was with God when the world was created. Jesus made that water at the beginning of time, and if He wanted it to hold Him up, He could do it. But then, Peter did it. That baffles me. It would be just like you or me walking on water. Jesus wants us to walk on water. I my never actually place my foot out of a boat and literally walk on water, but in this passage I learn that Jesus' abilities were not just for Him alone. He came to share what He had, and if I call out to Him, He will respond. In my circumstance, if I ask Him for something, He will answer me and call me out to come to Him. It is up to me to get out of the boat.
Peter sank. I know, it didn't last long for Peter. If I had a storm raging around me with huge waves, I would probably sink too! Peter could have trusted Jesus and walked all the way to meet him where He was, but it was a stinkin' scary storm! When Peter fell, he called out to Jesus and He was right there to pick him up out of the water. Life is hard! Right now I feel like I am sinking with huge waves all around me. Just when I feel one part of my life is under control, something else goes haywire. I kind of feel like the guy at the circus who balances all the spinning plates on poles. Just when one plate is spinning nicely, another one starts to waver and he has to go run to it to make sure it doesn't come crashing down. It can be a little overwhelming at times. Sometimes my attitude is not a perfect picture of love, joy, and peace, to say the least. Right now in the midst of my storm, I am calling out to Jesus to save me from the waves. This story is so encouraging to me at this moment in my life, because it tells me that Jesus is right there to pick me up. He is here holding out his hand to me to lift me up to him. He didn't make Peter swim back to the boat to teach him a lesson in humility, Jesus lifted Peter back up to walk back to the boat together. That gives me so much hope. Jesus won't leave me alone in the water to fend for myself. He will lift me up and help me back into the safety of the boat. This is not a story of Peter's shortcoming, but a story of Jesus' goodness and faithfulness. If you feel like you are sinking and the waves are all around you, lift up your arms to Jesus and He is right there for you, always.
Sunday, June 29, 2014
Random Thoughts
I thought I would touch base with you because I have been a little out of touch lately. Things in life are not always perfect and I have had some personal things that I needed to attend to, so my blog unfortunately had to be placed on the back burner for a while. The things I have been through the past few weeks have been difficult to go through, and although I can't share the details of what that was, I can tell you that God has really moved in my life and in my situation. I can really see God answering prayers that I have been bringing to Him daily. If there is something in your life that seems impossible, I can tell you that if you pray God will hear you.
I have a couple of random thoughts today. I don't really have a nicely planned theme for this blog post, just some thoughts from my day.
Today at church, there were two things that spoke to me and I want to share them. We had a guest speaker and something he said really jumped out at me. He was comparing satan's attacks in our daily lives to a lion. What he said was that a lion roars to stun his prey so that they are paralyzed with fear and he can attack. I started to think about this and we really live so much of our lives paralyzed with fear because of lies that satan whispers to us. Then my mind began to wander and I tried to figure out what animal or creature could represent God in this analogy. The lion is the king of the animals, right? So what is God in this scenario? A T-rex? A dragon? God is bigger than satan, so what is an animal that could paralize him? Then I realized that there is no animal that could compare. God is the creator the lion and is the king of the universe. To him a lion is an ant, a speck. There is no comparison. Once we realize that as Christians, we have the fullness of God living inside of us, we can come to the realization that when satan comes around to try to roar at us, there is no reason to be afraid. Satan is nothing but an ant that must flee when we resist him. God said it and satan has no choice. Don't let him keep you paralyzed, but live in the freedom of Christ!
Another thing that jumped out at me in church this morning was something my pastor said after the speaker was finished. He spoke for a moment about Thomas in the Bible. We all know him as "Doubting Thomas," but today, Pastor Erik had a fresh perspective about this man. Thomas may have doubted, but he was real about his unbelief. He didn't try to pretend to go along with the other disciples and say he believed when he really didn't. He had to see Jesus with his own eyes. When Pastor Erik said this, I realized that I need to see Jesus move in my life in the area of healing. I need to see healing in my family. I need to see it with my own eyes. I believe that Jesus can and will heal people still today, but I have been discouraged because I haven't seen it with my own eyes. I need to get real about my discouragement and just ask Jesus to move in healing in my family. I don't always have all the answers. I used to think that I did, but I am learning that the closer I get to Jesus, that I really know nothing.
What is something that Jesus is showing you in your life?
I have a couple of random thoughts today. I don't really have a nicely planned theme for this blog post, just some thoughts from my day.
Today at church, there were two things that spoke to me and I want to share them. We had a guest speaker and something he said really jumped out at me. He was comparing satan's attacks in our daily lives to a lion. What he said was that a lion roars to stun his prey so that they are paralyzed with fear and he can attack. I started to think about this and we really live so much of our lives paralyzed with fear because of lies that satan whispers to us. Then my mind began to wander and I tried to figure out what animal or creature could represent God in this analogy. The lion is the king of the animals, right? So what is God in this scenario? A T-rex? A dragon? God is bigger than satan, so what is an animal that could paralize him? Then I realized that there is no animal that could compare. God is the creator the lion and is the king of the universe. To him a lion is an ant, a speck. There is no comparison. Once we realize that as Christians, we have the fullness of God living inside of us, we can come to the realization that when satan comes around to try to roar at us, there is no reason to be afraid. Satan is nothing but an ant that must flee when we resist him. God said it and satan has no choice. Don't let him keep you paralyzed, but live in the freedom of Christ!
Another thing that jumped out at me in church this morning was something my pastor said after the speaker was finished. He spoke for a moment about Thomas in the Bible. We all know him as "Doubting Thomas," but today, Pastor Erik had a fresh perspective about this man. Thomas may have doubted, but he was real about his unbelief. He didn't try to pretend to go along with the other disciples and say he believed when he really didn't. He had to see Jesus with his own eyes. When Pastor Erik said this, I realized that I need to see Jesus move in my life in the area of healing. I need to see healing in my family. I need to see it with my own eyes. I believe that Jesus can and will heal people still today, but I have been discouraged because I haven't seen it with my own eyes. I need to get real about my discouragement and just ask Jesus to move in healing in my family. I don't always have all the answers. I used to think that I did, but I am learning that the closer I get to Jesus, that I really know nothing.
What is something that Jesus is showing you in your life?
Sunday, May 4, 2014
To Those Who Have Ever Been Hurt by the Church
In America today, the Christian church as a whole has acted horribly to those who do not normally attend. It seems that if you do not fit into what the church deems acceptable, most American churches do not accept you, and even go as far as to insult and condemn people. A while back, the pastor at my church, Grace Community, mentioned something that really challenged me. He challenged our church to apologize on behalf of the church to those in our lives who have ever been hurt by the church.
I really took this to heart because I have been on the other side of this equation myself. I have been hurt and neglected, so I began to try to figure out how I could apologize to people. I really struggled with how to go about it. I mean, how do you really bring this up in a conversation? So, I decided to write about it because I am not that great of a speaker. So, here goes:
I am sorry.
I am sorry if I have ever hurt you personally. I am sorry if anyone who calls themselves a Christian has ever hurt you. As a Christian, I am truly very sorry that people in the church have mistreated you. I am actually appalled at the way people who are not Christians have been treated by those who are.
I honestly think that Jesus himself would not like the way that the church as a whole has treated those on the "outside." When he was here on this earth, he was the hardest on the Jewish leaders, and I think he would do the same thing in our churches today. He would be hanging out with gay men and lesbians who have been left out of church to let them know that He accepts them and loves them abundantly. He would reach out to strippers, pimps, and prostitutes to let them know how absolutely precious they are to Him. He would go out and give food to the homeless and just sit and spend time with them to let them know that even though they don't have a cent, they are valuable to Him. He would accept everyone who doesn't feel comfortable walking into America's church. He would welcome people of any race and religion, laughing and crying with them as they experience life together. There are the rare few Christians who do these things, but for the most part, the church has been very neglectful of these things. Myself included. I don't always reach out to others when I should. I am so sorry.
Take a look at our token verse, you know, the one every good Christian and/ or wrestling fan knows: John 3:16.
God loved the world so much that he gave his one and only Son. Anyone who believes in him will not die but will have eternal life.
That verse is not just for church members who pay their tithes and warm a seat once a week for an hour. It says anyone, and I truly believe that it really means anyone. If you are human than this verse applies to you.
Now take a look at the following verse: God did not send his Son into the world to judge the world. He sent his Son to save the world through him.
You can argue with me if you would like, but I believe that it is not the job of the church to judge you. As Christians, it is our job to love you. If you have experienced anything other than love, then in my opinion, you have just experienced empty religion. Religion judges. Jesus loves.
Please accept my apology.
I really took this to heart because I have been on the other side of this equation myself. I have been hurt and neglected, so I began to try to figure out how I could apologize to people. I really struggled with how to go about it. I mean, how do you really bring this up in a conversation? So, I decided to write about it because I am not that great of a speaker. So, here goes:
I am sorry.
I am sorry if I have ever hurt you personally. I am sorry if anyone who calls themselves a Christian has ever hurt you. As a Christian, I am truly very sorry that people in the church have mistreated you. I am actually appalled at the way people who are not Christians have been treated by those who are.
I honestly think that Jesus himself would not like the way that the church as a whole has treated those on the "outside." When he was here on this earth, he was the hardest on the Jewish leaders, and I think he would do the same thing in our churches today. He would be hanging out with gay men and lesbians who have been left out of church to let them know that He accepts them and loves them abundantly. He would reach out to strippers, pimps, and prostitutes to let them know how absolutely precious they are to Him. He would go out and give food to the homeless and just sit and spend time with them to let them know that even though they don't have a cent, they are valuable to Him. He would accept everyone who doesn't feel comfortable walking into America's church. He would welcome people of any race and religion, laughing and crying with them as they experience life together. There are the rare few Christians who do these things, but for the most part, the church has been very neglectful of these things. Myself included. I don't always reach out to others when I should. I am so sorry.
Take a look at our token verse, you know, the one every good Christian and/ or wrestling fan knows: John 3:16.
God loved the world so much that he gave his one and only Son. Anyone who believes in him will not die but will have eternal life.
That verse is not just for church members who pay their tithes and warm a seat once a week for an hour. It says anyone, and I truly believe that it really means anyone. If you are human than this verse applies to you.
Now take a look at the following verse: God did not send his Son into the world to judge the world. He sent his Son to save the world through him.
You can argue with me if you would like, but I believe that it is not the job of the church to judge you. As Christians, it is our job to love you. If you have experienced anything other than love, then in my opinion, you have just experienced empty religion. Religion judges. Jesus loves.
Please accept my apology.
Friday, April 25, 2014
To Those Who Don't Like Christians...
I started working on this a couple of weeks ago and had a hard time actually finishing. For the past couple of days, God has really put it on my heart to finish this post.
I don't blame you for not liking Christians. I get it, I really do. Probably more than you realize. I know I am always talking about Bible verses, Jesus, and living a Christian life, but I haven't always been like this. There was a time when I didn't even really want to step foot into a church. In the past, I have been hurt and neglected by the church, and if my faith was based on the way the people in the church have treated me, I would be an atheist.
When I was a young girl, I survived a period of sexual abuse. I didn't tell anyone when it happened, and this caused me to build up walls and push people away. I had friends, but I never let people get really close to me. I don't really have a lot of memories from my childhood. Because of the trauma, my mind split my memories and locked up a lot of them so that I could cope with life. I remember school more than I remember home life because that is how my brain decided to protect me from dealing with the hurtful memories. The abuse didn't happen at home, but for some reason, I shut out any memory that could possibly remind me of the pain that I went through.
As I grew and became a teenager, most of my friends were making plans for life. I was just trying to survive each day. They all seemed to know exactly what they wanted to do after they graduated from high school. Because of the past abuse, I just wanted to slip into a coma until a time when I thought life would be easier, and wake up with a new, perfect life. So, I was like a walking zombie, just sleepwalking through life hoping that some day it would get easier. However, it didn't. Life just continued to get harder to deal with. I was going to a Baptist church and I had a lot of Christian friends. I had a lot of fun with them and I felt close to them.
I went to college because it was the next step that I was expected to take. I had made good grades in high school and received a scholarship to Louisiana College. I had now idea what I wanted to major in or what I even wanted to do with my life. I felt like I was wandering around aimlessly. I am so thankful now that I never really got into drugs or drinking. It was just something that I never really liked. I felt that if I lost control of my cognitive functions that I was opening myself up to be abused all over again. What I was doing, however, was not living, I was just scraping by.
I seemed to have it all: a scholarship to a good college, a brand new car, a great family who supported me, "good" Christian friends. But, I was miserable. I didn't see the point to anything that I was doing. I started to dress strangely and shaved the hair off my head with a pair of clippers. I started to fail my college classes. I went back home to visit, and all of my friends from my Baptist church that I hung out didn't want anything to do with me because I looked weird. I didn't fit in with the image that the church deemed "acceptable." I was struggling, and I felt so alone. When I went back to the church after my extreme style change, I felt as though the church had turned its back on me. I needed a friend, but instead of opening its arms to me and comforting me, no one would talk to me.
I met and fell in love with the man who would become my husband. I dropped out of college to my parent's disapproval and got married. I went to beauty school, not because I really wanted to, but because I didn't know what else to do with my life. I liked the creative aspects of hairstyling, but hated beauty school itself. I didn't really want to be a hairstylist, but I stuck with it because I was afraid of failing at anything else that I wanted to do. Years went by and I felt like I could never get myself together. I felt like I was digging myself deeper and deeper into a hole and couldn't get out. I was still just getting by in life, like a zombie. I was technically alive, but not really living. Working in a salon, I made a lot of money and seemed successful. Just like before, I appeared to have it all together, but inside I felt empty. I actually tried different churches and have visited many over the years. I just never felt like I fit in. I was always an outsider, I went because I kept hoping that things would get better.
There is so much more that I could tell about, but for the sake of time, I will skip ahead. I got to a point where I couldn't cope anymore. I was attending a church that was around the corner from my house. The only reason I went was because my kids had friends there and they loved the huge indoor playground. I would try to pray and felt like my words were just bouncing off of the wall. I would try to read the Bible, but I couldn't focus. By this time, I had two kids and was working full time. I was depressed. My husband and I were not getting along and were fighting all of the time. I felt the weight of the world on my shoulders. I didn't know how I could go on. Then, I found out I was pregnant. I felt stretched past my limit. I went on as long as I could until after my son was born. Something inside snapped and I gave up. I started showing up later and later to work and couldn't keep up with house work. I wanted to sleep all of the time and give up on life. I tried as hard as I could to keep up with things, but I couldn't. I made horrible mistakes and neglected my kids during this time. I took care of their basic needs, but I just couldn't give any more than that.
One day I was taking a shower to get ready to go to a funeral for a friend who had passed away, and out of nowhere I felt Jesus whisper to my heart to start facing my past so that I could heal from the abuse. I was afraid to face that area of my life. I had buried that part of my life so deep that I didn't even acknowledge it anymore. Soon after that, I was lying on my bed, unable to get up because I was depressed. I was crying because I felt like my life was in shambles. At that moment, I felt Jesus put his arms around me. I could physically feel His presence. He told me to give Him all of my troubles. I did. I felt like I was taking all of my hurts and troubles and wadding them up in a huge ball and throwing them away into a trash can that Jesus was holding. I had pretty much been in church in all my life, and had never experienced anything like this before. This was not religion, this was real. After this, I started seeking out other people who had real experienced like I had. I met others who didn't view Jesus as a religion, who actually had a real relationship with Him. I eventually did find whole churches that were focused on a relationship instead of the religious aspects of Christianity. I realized that too many churches are just Christian social clubs instead of places where people can truly worship Jesus with their lives.
Soon after I gave Jesus my hurts and troubles, I went on a retreat with my church that a friend invited me to. During this retreat, I was allowed to share in a safe way with someone about my past hurts and decided right then to start going to counseling. I learned healthy coping skills and began a journey of healing. It has been a long, hard road to where I am now, but ever since I let Jesus take over, I have had so much peace and joy. I have watched Him rebuild my life into His picture of what it should be, which is so much more beautiful than what I was able to create on my own.
I don't blame you for not liking Christians. I get it, I really do. Probably more than you realize. I know I am always talking about Bible verses, Jesus, and living a Christian life, but I haven't always been like this. There was a time when I didn't even really want to step foot into a church. In the past, I have been hurt and neglected by the church, and if my faith was based on the way the people in the church have treated me, I would be an atheist.
When I was a young girl, I survived a period of sexual abuse. I didn't tell anyone when it happened, and this caused me to build up walls and push people away. I had friends, but I never let people get really close to me. I don't really have a lot of memories from my childhood. Because of the trauma, my mind split my memories and locked up a lot of them so that I could cope with life. I remember school more than I remember home life because that is how my brain decided to protect me from dealing with the hurtful memories. The abuse didn't happen at home, but for some reason, I shut out any memory that could possibly remind me of the pain that I went through.
As I grew and became a teenager, most of my friends were making plans for life. I was just trying to survive each day. They all seemed to know exactly what they wanted to do after they graduated from high school. Because of the past abuse, I just wanted to slip into a coma until a time when I thought life would be easier, and wake up with a new, perfect life. So, I was like a walking zombie, just sleepwalking through life hoping that some day it would get easier. However, it didn't. Life just continued to get harder to deal with. I was going to a Baptist church and I had a lot of Christian friends. I had a lot of fun with them and I felt close to them.
I went to college because it was the next step that I was expected to take. I had made good grades in high school and received a scholarship to Louisiana College. I had now idea what I wanted to major in or what I even wanted to do with my life. I felt like I was wandering around aimlessly. I am so thankful now that I never really got into drugs or drinking. It was just something that I never really liked. I felt that if I lost control of my cognitive functions that I was opening myself up to be abused all over again. What I was doing, however, was not living, I was just scraping by.
I seemed to have it all: a scholarship to a good college, a brand new car, a great family who supported me, "good" Christian friends. But, I was miserable. I didn't see the point to anything that I was doing. I started to dress strangely and shaved the hair off my head with a pair of clippers. I started to fail my college classes. I went back home to visit, and all of my friends from my Baptist church that I hung out didn't want anything to do with me because I looked weird. I didn't fit in with the image that the church deemed "acceptable." I was struggling, and I felt so alone. When I went back to the church after my extreme style change, I felt as though the church had turned its back on me. I needed a friend, but instead of opening its arms to me and comforting me, no one would talk to me.
I met and fell in love with the man who would become my husband. I dropped out of college to my parent's disapproval and got married. I went to beauty school, not because I really wanted to, but because I didn't know what else to do with my life. I liked the creative aspects of hairstyling, but hated beauty school itself. I didn't really want to be a hairstylist, but I stuck with it because I was afraid of failing at anything else that I wanted to do. Years went by and I felt like I could never get myself together. I felt like I was digging myself deeper and deeper into a hole and couldn't get out. I was still just getting by in life, like a zombie. I was technically alive, but not really living. Working in a salon, I made a lot of money and seemed successful. Just like before, I appeared to have it all together, but inside I felt empty. I actually tried different churches and have visited many over the years. I just never felt like I fit in. I was always an outsider, I went because I kept hoping that things would get better.
There is so much more that I could tell about, but for the sake of time, I will skip ahead. I got to a point where I couldn't cope anymore. I was attending a church that was around the corner from my house. The only reason I went was because my kids had friends there and they loved the huge indoor playground. I would try to pray and felt like my words were just bouncing off of the wall. I would try to read the Bible, but I couldn't focus. By this time, I had two kids and was working full time. I was depressed. My husband and I were not getting along and were fighting all of the time. I felt the weight of the world on my shoulders. I didn't know how I could go on. Then, I found out I was pregnant. I felt stretched past my limit. I went on as long as I could until after my son was born. Something inside snapped and I gave up. I started showing up later and later to work and couldn't keep up with house work. I wanted to sleep all of the time and give up on life. I tried as hard as I could to keep up with things, but I couldn't. I made horrible mistakes and neglected my kids during this time. I took care of their basic needs, but I just couldn't give any more than that.
One day I was taking a shower to get ready to go to a funeral for a friend who had passed away, and out of nowhere I felt Jesus whisper to my heart to start facing my past so that I could heal from the abuse. I was afraid to face that area of my life. I had buried that part of my life so deep that I didn't even acknowledge it anymore. Soon after that, I was lying on my bed, unable to get up because I was depressed. I was crying because I felt like my life was in shambles. At that moment, I felt Jesus put his arms around me. I could physically feel His presence. He told me to give Him all of my troubles. I did. I felt like I was taking all of my hurts and troubles and wadding them up in a huge ball and throwing them away into a trash can that Jesus was holding. I had pretty much been in church in all my life, and had never experienced anything like this before. This was not religion, this was real. After this, I started seeking out other people who had real experienced like I had. I met others who didn't view Jesus as a religion, who actually had a real relationship with Him. I eventually did find whole churches that were focused on a relationship instead of the religious aspects of Christianity. I realized that too many churches are just Christian social clubs instead of places where people can truly worship Jesus with their lives.
Soon after I gave Jesus my hurts and troubles, I went on a retreat with my church that a friend invited me to. During this retreat, I was allowed to share in a safe way with someone about my past hurts and decided right then to start going to counseling. I learned healthy coping skills and began a journey of healing. It has been a long, hard road to where I am now, but ever since I let Jesus take over, I have had so much peace and joy. I have watched Him rebuild my life into His picture of what it should be, which is so much more beautiful than what I was able to create on my own.
Wednesday, April 23, 2014
God Can Heal Marriages: Christi and Robbie's Story
This week I have decided to do something a little different. When Joey and I were separated, I had a conversation with a girl named Christi who attends The Healing Place in Shreveport. Her story really gave me hope that God could heal my own marriage. God has put in on my heart lately to start sharing the stories of everyday people who have experienced God in a mighty way. I have talked a little bit about what God has done in my marriage, but we are not the only marriage He has healed. Here is Christi's story:
I met the man of my dreams at the beginning of 2002 and was engaged by the end of 2002. We got married in June 2003. I thought we had a perfect marriage and in 2004 we discovered that we were expecting our first little boy. We were super excited. Several years later my perfect little marriage would be ripped apart by infidelity.
In 2010, my husband and I had separated because of infidelity and addiction to pornography that had gone on for years in our marriage. I was finished…DONE…Tired of being hurt… There was literally no hope, nothing to save, and nothing to try and work out. I had a 6 week old baby and a 5 year old to care for so I had to put a bandaid on this open wound that really needed surgery and stitches. Me and my two boys moved in with my mom.
Months had passed after our separation and the Lord began to bring Robbie to a place of hitting rock bottom. During this time of separation I had found a new desire for a relationship with God. I literally had nothing. I would spend hours on my face before God because I needed his provision…I had no job because I was a stay at home mom before we separated and I needed answers cause I didn’t understand why God was allowing this to happen. I needed to know how God could let this happen and why he had left me. I felt disserted and abandoned by God. My identity was so wrapped up in being a mom and a wife that I had no idea who I really was. So when everything in life was questioned my identity was also questioned.
For months I continued to keep a bandaid on this wound until finally it was so infected that something had to be done. I needed to know if God existed because I felt disserted and abandoned by God. I wasn’t getting the answers that I was searching for so I felt that he had forgotten about me. Robbie called me one day (He was living in Dallas and me and the boys were living in East Texas) to ask me if I had made up my mind about the divorce. I was a little taken back because I had made up my mind. I was kinda like, Are you kidding me?!?! Our marriage was over! Why would I even entertain the thought of restoring our marriage!! I hung up the phone that day irritated at him even more. The next several days he called and asked the same question. The third day he asked me I agreed to something that I really didn’t think would end up the way it did. Before I got off the phone I told him that I would put the divorce on hold till I got a clear word from the Lord to proceed or not with the divorce. I desired for God’s will to be evident in my life but I was still struggling with it all. Somehow down deep I knew that God would agree with me to divorce him and move on.
Several weeks later he went on this thing called Quest with Fellowship of the Sword (www.fellowshipoftheword.com). When he came back I could tell a change that had taken place. During this time he was still living in Dallas and the boys and I were living in East Texas, almost 4 hours away from each other. He knew he had to do something to try and rebuild what he had tore down. He started driving back and forth almost on a daily basis in order to rebuild his family.
Several more months passed and I had an opportunity to go on my very own quest. It was a time where 23 women from different backgrounds, denominations, and all different walks of life came together independently. It was a time literally in the wilderness with no distractions, no cell phones, no tv, no screaming kids, nothing but you questing after the Father’s heart and discovering who we were in Christ. Up until this point I had been a Christian for most of my life and was in ministry as a youth pastors’ wife for so many years but there was so much I didn’t understand. There was something missing. I didn’t know who I was. My identity had been wrapped up in my marriage and who I was in my husband that when my relationship came tumbling down I literally didn’t know who I was anymore. The purpose of me going on this quest was because I needed to hear from God. It had been 9 months since that conversation with my husband and I needed to hear a clear word to divorce or rebuild our marriage.
During my quest I spent hours upon hours on my face praying and searching for answers. I needed the clearest word I had ever had from the Lord. I needed something physical that I could see. I’m a visual person and sometimes hard headed. I didn’t want any doubts in my mind of God’s answer. I wanted to know without a doubt in my mind as to if I needed to continue with divorce or to try to allow the Lord to mend my relationship with my husband… One of the days we spent the entire day fasting in the wilderness. We were literally sent out into the wilderness on a 500 acre ranch with a backpack full of Gatorade, Bible, notebook, and pen. All day God spoke to me in different ways but by the end of the day I was exhausted and a little frustrated cause I still hadn’t heard an answer to my ultimate question. God worked on me and really took off layers of a hard heart. Was I supposed to try to work on my marriage or was I supposed to move on with just my two boys as a single mom?
All week I had worked on my heart of hurt and worked on things that needed to be dealt with. Specific things beyond the pain from my husband that had not been dealt with for years. As I walked back to the ranch house I was praying about the answer that I needed. I asked God to show me that He was still there and that he hadn’t left me through all of this. I needed to know that he still loved me and that I was still his daughter. I stopped to rest for a few minutes and looked down to the gravel road where I saw a rock that was literally in the shape of a heart. I dug it out of the ground and picked it up. On the side that was exposed looked like a heart but the inside part was deformed and didn’t look like a heart. God spoke so loud and clear almost as if he were standing in front of me. He said, “Christi you’ve worked on your heart this week, you came with literally a broken heart that I have pieced back together. You’ve sought me and you have found me!! You’ve allowed me to do surgery on your heart and stitch it back together in order for it to heal properly.” He said that “You came with a heart that was in a million pieces but I’ve put it back together and gave you a whole heart that has been made new. If you turn it over those things are still there and they are still ugly and still apart of your past. Your heart was made whole by ME not by your husband or your boys like you’ve tried to fill for a long time. Now that I’ve given you a whole heart you can take it back and give to your husband. I can’t promise that the healing process will be easy but I will be there with you every step of the way.”
Sometimes God calls us or allows us to go through things that aren’t easy and that are hurtful because He wants the opportunity to work and he desires to draw others to him through his willing servants. Sometimes that hurt can be caused by ourselves such as sin, or caused by others as in my situation or even unforgiveness which can cause a life of miserable chaos. I feel like God has allowed Robbie and I to go through what we’ve gone through to do this very thing…To have a voice and to allow it to be heard for healing to take place in other people lives. Let this be an offer of hope to your hopeless situation. We stand before you today with a whole relationship with God, and a whole and healed marriage. God is good and only through Him all things are possible!
Growing up as a child, my parents were in and out of church. However, my grandparents took us to church a lot when my parents wouldn’t. My grandparents were the foundation for our family. Also growing up my father was verbally abusive. When I became old enough to take myself to church, it became my hiding place from my dysfunctional family. Even though my family was dysfunctional I still knew I was loved by them but didn’t always feel safe. I prayed something as a teenager that I really didn’t realize and God reminded me of this as adult. I saw these people come to our church who had these incredible testimonies. I didn’t really see living in a dysfunctional family as being a testimony. But I prayed and asked God to give me a testimony and that he gave me.
I met the man of my dreams at the beginning of 2002 and was engaged by the end of 2002. We got married in June 2003. I thought we had a perfect marriage and in 2004 we discovered that we were expecting our first little boy. We were super excited. Several years later my perfect little marriage would be ripped apart by infidelity.
In 2010, my husband and I had separated because of infidelity and addiction to pornography that had gone on for years in our marriage. I was finished…DONE…Tired of being hurt… There was literally no hope, nothing to save, and nothing to try and work out. I had a 6 week old baby and a 5 year old to care for so I had to put a bandaid on this open wound that really needed surgery and stitches. Me and my two boys moved in with my mom.
Months had passed after our separation and the Lord began to bring Robbie to a place of hitting rock bottom. During this time of separation I had found a new desire for a relationship with God. I literally had nothing. I would spend hours on my face before God because I needed his provision…I had no job because I was a stay at home mom before we separated and I needed answers cause I didn’t understand why God was allowing this to happen. I needed to know how God could let this happen and why he had left me. I felt disserted and abandoned by God. My identity was so wrapped up in being a mom and a wife that I had no idea who I really was. So when everything in life was questioned my identity was also questioned.
For months I continued to keep a bandaid on this wound until finally it was so infected that something had to be done. I needed to know if God existed because I felt disserted and abandoned by God. I wasn’t getting the answers that I was searching for so I felt that he had forgotten about me. Robbie called me one day (He was living in Dallas and me and the boys were living in East Texas) to ask me if I had made up my mind about the divorce. I was a little taken back because I had made up my mind. I was kinda like, Are you kidding me?!?! Our marriage was over! Why would I even entertain the thought of restoring our marriage!! I hung up the phone that day irritated at him even more. The next several days he called and asked the same question. The third day he asked me I agreed to something that I really didn’t think would end up the way it did. Before I got off the phone I told him that I would put the divorce on hold till I got a clear word from the Lord to proceed or not with the divorce. I desired for God’s will to be evident in my life but I was still struggling with it all. Somehow down deep I knew that God would agree with me to divorce him and move on.
Several weeks later he went on this thing called Quest with Fellowship of the Sword (www.fellowshipoftheword.com). When he came back I could tell a change that had taken place. During this time he was still living in Dallas and the boys and I were living in East Texas, almost 4 hours away from each other. He knew he had to do something to try and rebuild what he had tore down. He started driving back and forth almost on a daily basis in order to rebuild his family.
Several more months passed and I had an opportunity to go on my very own quest. It was a time where 23 women from different backgrounds, denominations, and all different walks of life came together independently. It was a time literally in the wilderness with no distractions, no cell phones, no tv, no screaming kids, nothing but you questing after the Father’s heart and discovering who we were in Christ. Up until this point I had been a Christian for most of my life and was in ministry as a youth pastors’ wife for so many years but there was so much I didn’t understand. There was something missing. I didn’t know who I was. My identity had been wrapped up in my marriage and who I was in my husband that when my relationship came tumbling down I literally didn’t know who I was anymore. The purpose of me going on this quest was because I needed to hear from God. It had been 9 months since that conversation with my husband and I needed to hear a clear word to divorce or rebuild our marriage.
During my quest I spent hours upon hours on my face praying and searching for answers. I needed the clearest word I had ever had from the Lord. I needed something physical that I could see. I’m a visual person and sometimes hard headed. I didn’t want any doubts in my mind of God’s answer. I wanted to know without a doubt in my mind as to if I needed to continue with divorce or to try to allow the Lord to mend my relationship with my husband… One of the days we spent the entire day fasting in the wilderness. We were literally sent out into the wilderness on a 500 acre ranch with a backpack full of Gatorade, Bible, notebook, and pen. All day God spoke to me in different ways but by the end of the day I was exhausted and a little frustrated cause I still hadn’t heard an answer to my ultimate question. God worked on me and really took off layers of a hard heart. Was I supposed to try to work on my marriage or was I supposed to move on with just my two boys as a single mom?
All week I had worked on my heart of hurt and worked on things that needed to be dealt with. Specific things beyond the pain from my husband that had not been dealt with for years. As I walked back to the ranch house I was praying about the answer that I needed. I asked God to show me that He was still there and that he hadn’t left me through all of this. I needed to know that he still loved me and that I was still his daughter. I stopped to rest for a few minutes and looked down to the gravel road where I saw a rock that was literally in the shape of a heart. I dug it out of the ground and picked it up. On the side that was exposed looked like a heart but the inside part was deformed and didn’t look like a heart. God spoke so loud and clear almost as if he were standing in front of me. He said, “Christi you’ve worked on your heart this week, you came with literally a broken heart that I have pieced back together. You’ve sought me and you have found me!! You’ve allowed me to do surgery on your heart and stitch it back together in order for it to heal properly.” He said that “You came with a heart that was in a million pieces but I’ve put it back together and gave you a whole heart that has been made new. If you turn it over those things are still there and they are still ugly and still apart of your past. Your heart was made whole by ME not by your husband or your boys like you’ve tried to fill for a long time. Now that I’ve given you a whole heart you can take it back and give to your husband. I can’t promise that the healing process will be easy but I will be there with you every step of the way.”
I was completely blown away by God’s word to me. It was exactly what I needed to hear. When I got home, Robbie and I sat down together and discussed what our next steps were. I gave him this heart that I had found and told him what God had spoken to me. He began to weep. He shared with me and showed me in his journal that when he was on his quest (8 months prior) he prayed that God would give him something physical that would show His love for him. God showed him a puddle of water that was in the shape of a heart but didn’t give him anything tangible that he could take with him until God had mended my heart.
Sometimes God calls us or allows us to go through things that aren’t easy and that are hurtful because He wants the opportunity to work and he desires to draw others to him through his willing servants. Sometimes that hurt can be caused by ourselves such as sin, or caused by others as in my situation or even unforgiveness which can cause a life of miserable chaos. I feel like God has allowed Robbie and I to go through what we’ve gone through to do this very thing…To have a voice and to allow it to be heard for healing to take place in other people lives. Let this be an offer of hope to your hopeless situation. We stand before you today with a whole relationship with God, and a whole and healed marriage. God is good and only through Him all things are possible!
Monday, April 21, 2014
Our Easter
My last two posts were about focusing on Jesus during Easter time. Yep, I have become that person. It's funny how much I have changed in the past couple of years. I used to think that people who made a big deal about Jesus during the holidays were just lame and need to get over themselves and enjoy the holiday. That was before I met Jesus personally. I knew all about Him, but I was about as close to him as I was the Easter Bunny or Santa Clause. He was a nice story and I just thought he would shower me with blessings if I was good enough, like Santa, right? But once I realized that my idea of Jesus was so wrong, I began to break down those ideas to allow Him to teach me the truth. Anyway, I could go on and on about that, but what I really want to do was talk about our Easter Sunday.
We had a great weekend with our family. I am so blessed to have married into a huge family and we always have a good time when we get together. Our family has a lot of birthdays so we basically spent the day having birthday parties and grilling hamburgers. There are a lot of kids in our extended family, so gatherings are always a lot of fun. I had my nephew over to spend the night with my little man and my older girls spent the night with their girl cousins. Then Sunday, my parents came to church with us and we went out to eat together.
This weekend I realized how much I love the festivities of Easter. I have been in this battle with myself over what traditions to change and what to keep. My Grandmother "Meme" (pronounced Mimi, not like the little pictures), used to love holidays, too, and I think I get it from her. My desire to change our traditions are not so that we can just sit around and have no fun and be "religious" while everyone else enjoys their holiday. I just want to change our habits and frame of mind when going into any holiday. Binging on candy and focusing on what each one gets for themselves is not healthy in a spiritual sense, and also in a very practical sense. So, instead of all the Easter candy I usually purchase, I bought the kids each a book. They loved the books more than all the candy! My struggling reader got an activity book that gave simple directions about what to draw and I think she read more yesterday than she has all week! I still gave them a few little candy treats, just not as much as I usually do, for spiritual reasons, but also to teach the kids healthy habits. My husband has a family history of heart disease so I feed our family as healthy as our meager budget allows, but I think everyone needs a spurge every now and then.
We did dye Easter eggs because it's just fun! The kids look forward to hunting for Easter eggs, and I really do too! That is one tradition that we will keep. The past couple of years I have begun a new tradition that I really love: reading about Jesus in the Bible. I read the chapters about the death, burial, and resurrection, then we talk about it together. I feel that it is so important that kids know about Jesus and what He did for us.
I also want to begin a tradition of serving. There is a nursing home down the street from us full of elderly people who are just so hungry for attention. It is my goal that for every holiday, we go visit them and just sit for a minute and talk to each one in their room. I want to take the focus off of what we will get and think about how we can give of ourselves. Our nation has such a "fast food" mentality. Place an order for what you want, then get it as soon as possible or throw a fit. I feel that our holidays have become a time of placing orders for what we want. The focus of most holidays is about getting stuff. I want my kids to think about someone else besides themselves for a change. Ok, that's about all I wanted to say. I feel like this post is kind of random, but I felt that I should follow up with what we did because of the last two posts. I am learning how to incorporate Jesus into everyday life instead of just talking about Him once or twice a week. I feel that it is important to talk about that. I would love to hear comments, questions, ideas... anything you want to say!
We had a great weekend with our family. I am so blessed to have married into a huge family and we always have a good time when we get together. Our family has a lot of birthdays so we basically spent the day having birthday parties and grilling hamburgers. There are a lot of kids in our extended family, so gatherings are always a lot of fun. I had my nephew over to spend the night with my little man and my older girls spent the night with their girl cousins. Then Sunday, my parents came to church with us and we went out to eat together.
This weekend I realized how much I love the festivities of Easter. I have been in this battle with myself over what traditions to change and what to keep. My Grandmother "Meme" (pronounced Mimi, not like the little pictures), used to love holidays, too, and I think I get it from her. My desire to change our traditions are not so that we can just sit around and have no fun and be "religious" while everyone else enjoys their holiday. I just want to change our habits and frame of mind when going into any holiday. Binging on candy and focusing on what each one gets for themselves is not healthy in a spiritual sense, and also in a very practical sense. So, instead of all the Easter candy I usually purchase, I bought the kids each a book. They loved the books more than all the candy! My struggling reader got an activity book that gave simple directions about what to draw and I think she read more yesterday than she has all week! I still gave them a few little candy treats, just not as much as I usually do, for spiritual reasons, but also to teach the kids healthy habits. My husband has a family history of heart disease so I feed our family as healthy as our meager budget allows, but I think everyone needs a spurge every now and then.
We did dye Easter eggs because it's just fun! The kids look forward to hunting for Easter eggs, and I really do too! That is one tradition that we will keep. The past couple of years I have begun a new tradition that I really love: reading about Jesus in the Bible. I read the chapters about the death, burial, and resurrection, then we talk about it together. I feel that it is so important that kids know about Jesus and what He did for us.
I also want to begin a tradition of serving. There is a nursing home down the street from us full of elderly people who are just so hungry for attention. It is my goal that for every holiday, we go visit them and just sit for a minute and talk to each one in their room. I want to take the focus off of what we will get and think about how we can give of ourselves. Our nation has such a "fast food" mentality. Place an order for what you want, then get it as soon as possible or throw a fit. I feel that our holidays have become a time of placing orders for what we want. The focus of most holidays is about getting stuff. I want my kids to think about someone else besides themselves for a change. Ok, that's about all I wanted to say. I feel like this post is kind of random, but I felt that I should follow up with what we did because of the last two posts. I am learning how to incorporate Jesus into everyday life instead of just talking about Him once or twice a week. I feel that it is important to talk about that. I would love to hear comments, questions, ideas... anything you want to say!
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